Some people will say that a sexual thought isn’t harming anyone, it is just in your head, and there is no law against thoughts, but you may be reinforcing your interest in things that are illegal or abusive with your fantasies. This could be particularly important if you are imagining scenes that if they occurred in real life would be abusive or illegal (e.g. non-consensual sexual acts or sexual acts with someone under the age of 16). We know that fantasies can become stronger if someone masturbates to them, as the pleasure experience gets associated with the fantasy. This means though, that if you masturbate to appropriate fantasies these can also strengthen over time.
It can be important to identify if your fantasies are linked to your online use. You might find what you view may be influencing what you imagine in your fantasies (e.g. what we watch on TV or online, what we read or what we listen to) and vice versa. Bear in mind sexual images of someone under the age of 18 is an offence.
So, what exactly are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections:
Illegal fantasies
These are fantasies that would be illegal if they were carried out or acted on in real life, such as having sex with a child, or involving non-consensual acts with adults. To reiterate, having fantasies is not illegal, no matter what it is you fantasise about. But fantasies that cover activities that would be illegal if you acted them out are inappropriate.
Abusive fantasies
Things you fantasise about can be legal but still be abusive. So, imagine you are a 48–year–old man and you are having a sexual fantasy about a 16–year–old. Is this illegal? No. But is this appropriate? No. An adult having a sexual relationship with a 16–year-old is not illegal, but if the man is more than 5 years older (or is in a position of responsibility) then it is likely they have more power than the 16–year–old (perhaps related to age, status, money, or life experience and knowledge).
Not OK for me
This could be a legal and healthy fantasy for some people, but not for you. For example, an adult dressed as a school child. This may be ok for some people but for those who have a sexual interest in children, it may take them a step closer to a fantasy about a child. As an individual it is your role to decide what fantasy is ok for you and which are not, if you are unsure you can speak with a professional or our helpline advisors.
We are all different, we all use fantasy in a different way and it may have a different impact on different people. That is why it is important to consider your imaginary life/thought life and consider how it could be healthier.
Below are some examples of fantasies, spend some time considering what the impact of spending time thinking about each of these might be for you….
Answer:
Could make you feel lonely or sad
Could increase your sexual attraction to a past partner (which could hinder you fully engaging in a new relationship or attraction)
Could help you feel happy or appreciative of good memories and pleasurable feelings
Answer:
You may feel powerful or in control during the fantasy
You might feel powerless
You may later feel bad about yourself as you believe forcing someone sexually is wrong and illegal
Bearing in mind that forcing someone to do something sexual against their will is illegal. Think about what this fantasy is encouraging a link between.
You may engage in a thought like this because you want to feel better, maybe feeling powerful or in control might be the opposite of how you feel in your real life.
Thinking about this might temporarily help you feel better, but staying in this fantasy might get in the way of you engaging in more healthy ways of coping or may mean you aren’t present to take steps to make the situations/relationships you are in better. It could foster a relationship in your mind and body between use of force and sexual arousal.
If the fantasy depicts two consenting adults who want to dress up in school uniform then this could be an appropriate fantasy.
It might be worth considering why this fantasy is appealing for you. If it is because you have a sexual interest in school children, spending time in this fantasy could reinforce sexual thoughts about children or it could be something that could impact on your online use, moving you closer to searching illegal images of children online.
A child needs to be 16 years old to consent to sexual activity and 18 to consent to sexual images of them to be shared. This law is in place to protect children as they are viewed as not psychologically, physically or socially ready for sex, and could be taken advantage of. Sexual activity with a child is illegal, even if they show a willingness or interest in sex. If you are an adult thinking about this type of behaviour it is important to know you are not alone but that to act on these thoughts would have significant impacts on the child as well has yourself.
If you fantasise about meeting each other and consenting to this activity, this is likely to be an appropriate thought.