Dealing with anger, worry and stress

The following will help you deal with some common negative emotions but can also be applied to others.

How to Manage Negative Feelings

It is important to remember that all emotions have a purpose. We have evolved them for a reason, and none of them are bad. Sometimes, though, we can struggle with them as we have not learnt how to manage them or they are filled with other experiences so when we have an emotion it is loaded with lots of other things that have happened to us. This means we can get ‘stuck’.

The following will help you deal with some common emotions that people can struggle with, but can also be applied to others.

Worry

Worry tends to involve lots of thoughts that come one after another, which involve events in the future or in the past.

Frequently, worry thoughts begin with things like “I should…” “what if… if only I had…” or “I must remember to…”

Sometimes worrying can help make us do helpful things such as checking that we have turned off the oven but it can become a significant problem.

If you answer “yes” to the following questions, then worrying might be a problem for you.

Do you spend a lot of your time worrying?
Do you struggle to enjoy things as your mind is elsewhere, worrying about things?
Does worrying make you feel really upset and anxious?
Does worrying stop you getting a good sleep at night?
Does worrying prevent you enjoying yourself and getting on with things during the day, at home or at work?
Do you feel that your worrying is “out of control” or that once you start you just can’t stop?
Do you feel worrying has affected your health (for example given you stomach aches, headaches, or diarrhoea)?

Worrying about things can make you anxious. Many people suffer from anxiety without realizing what it is. When you are anxious you may notice things like:-

Heart rate speeding up, sweaty skin or going pale
Feeling upset, irritable angry, or on edge
Feeling that something terrible is about to happen
Dry throat or mouth
Muscular aches and pains and headaches
Feeling tired, lacking energy
Poor digestion – stomach aches
Concentration problems, mind racing, sleep problems

The more anxious you get, the more you worry and the more you worry, the more anxious you become! It becomes a vicious circle, this is why it is really important to learn how to manage your emotions in a healthy way.

It is important to remember that worry and anxiety do have a function- they are there to place our focus on something important to us, so that we can meet our needs and thrive. The goal is not to never feel worry or anxiety, the goal is to understand why it is there and keep it in balance with other important needs and goals.

What can you do about it?

Step 1 – Notice it
Notice when you are worrying or feeling anxious. If you recognise the signs of anxiety mentioned above, or you notice you are thinking thoughts like those outlined, take notice of them- don’t ignore them.

Step 2 – “Stop”!

When you notice you are worrying, be kind to yourself. Notice that this is something important to you and you want to make sure that it works out. Ask yourself, if I think about this now is it going to help? Can I fix or change it in this moment? If you can’t then let yourself put it down.

If your worry is about something you have no control over, it is OK to let it go and enjoy the moment you are in.

If it is something you can influence, or change, it might help if you write it down somewhere- on a piece of paper, or a reminder in your phone, so that you can give yourself permission to let go of it in this moment and return to it at a time when thinking about it might be useful- such as when you are seeing a supportive friend or family member, you have access to the things you need to fix or change it, or you are seeing a professional who can guide you through how to approach what you are worrying about.

If you find it hard to put it down, you can find something to actively distract your mind. It is useful to have a few things that you can do that you know helps you to re-focus your mind. Try to think/do something that is healthy, relaxing and/or enjoyable e.g. reading, watching TV, cooking, calling a friend, doing a hobby, or playing a sport.

Step 3 – Worry Time
Think about identifying a certain time in your day when it would be okay to worry -but limit the amount of time you spend worrying – no more than ten to fifteen minutes is needed. This is your “worry time” when you can focus on what it is that is causing you to worry and try to generate some solutions. If you find yourself worrying at a time when you have other things to do (such as when you are at work or at bedtime, or while you are trying to concentrate on something else), tell yourself to stop and put off the worries until later. This is not about avoiding problems but is about putting what is worrying you into perspective and dealing with it when you are not distracted by other things.

Step 4 – Self-talk
If you find yourself worrying about the same thing over and over (for example, “I’ll start my new job and no one will like me”) then take some time to show compassion for yourself and notice why you are worrying about it. In this example, it is important that people like you, because you a good person and other people are important to you. You might also know why you are having this thought, maybe you have had a bad experience in the past when you wanted someone to like you but they did not. Notice times when you have had different experiences, when people have liked you. Write these down, and write down any positive feedback you have had from others, or positive experiences you have had, as they have appreciated a quality about you or you helped someone- that you are kind, or thoughtful, honest, or you are quiet and listen. You could even write the positive thought or statement down on a small card and carry it with you to remind yourself of it.

Step 5 – Problem Solving
This is something you can try by yourself, or with another person. A problem shared is a problem halved! If you can tell someone you trust what your problem is, they can often help you with solving or coping with it. See the module on problem solving to learn how to improve this skill.

Anger

People express anger in different ways; it can take many forms. Below are some of the ways that anger can be experienced.

Anger is an unusual emotion. It is a ‘second feeling’- it always shows itself after a first feeling like hurt, rejection, grief or confusion. Anger can be described in lots of different ways, as it can be experienced at different levels. Some of the ways we might describe anger are frustration, resentment, disappointment, annoyance, rage and irritation.

Like all feelings, it is natural and healthy. It is there to give us energy so that we are more motivated to meet the needs of the first emotion. Have you noticed that when you feel anger your body feels more energised, tense? Anger only becomes a problem when we are afraid of it, we see it as a problem, or we don’t know what to do with that energy.

When we have had difficult experiences in the past, and we hold unresolved anger, it can come back when a new situation is similar to those difficult experiences and we can ‘overreact’ to the situation in front of us. This is because we are trying to fix all the things that were done to us at once. We can understand this, but the people around us will not and we can hurt those we care about.

People express anger in different ways; it can take many forms. Below are some of the ways that anger can be experienced.

Head in the Sand
Some people find anger scary and frightening. They shy away from admitting they are angry and avoid expressing angry feelings. They try to convince themselves that they are not angry. This can be problematic as consequently they do not let go of and express their feelings which can result in a build-up of pressure, frustration and unhappiness.

Retreating to the Cave
Some people find anger too hard to deal with, and they do everything they can to avoid it. The escape into their ‘cave’ when they feel angry or when other people around them become angry. Consequently they do not learn to manage their own or other people’s anger.

Bottlers
Other people find it difficult and scary to express their angry feelings so they stuff them down deep inside. This might be because they worry about getting into trouble or saying or doing the wrong thing. Whatever the reason, bottling up angry feelings can feel like a pressure cooker or a champagne bottle in which the pressure is building. Over time, if the angry feelings are not released they can result in an explosion.

Exploders
Some people shout and scream and blow off steam when they feel angry. They lash out physically and/or verbally. In the short term this can produce an immediate release but such outbursts of anger can have negative long term consequences for themselves and their relationships with other people.

What does healthy anger look like?

Anger that asserts and helps us to meet our needs is healthy. What that looks like will depend on the situation. Sometimes it can be hard to work that out, and talking to someone neutral who cares about you can help you to work out what to do with it. There are two elements that healthy anger does have:

The focus is on ‘I’ and what ‘I need’ so that the energy of anger is focused on expressing yourself rather than punishing them.
Respect for the person/ people around you and their needs. They are not judged or ‘othered’ as people although their behaviour might be something that has upset you.

Which category do you identify with?

If you are not sure then use the table from exercise 1 to help you tune into your feelings. The worksheet in Exercise 3 will also help you to identify things that you can do, and things that other people can help you with, that will assist you to get back to feeling calm and in control. Recognizing the warning signs that you are getting angry early on can help you to avoid expressing your anger in negative and destructive ways.

Stress

When our body prepares us for the ‘fight or flight’ response it releases hormones such as adrenalin and cortisol to help us have the energy and focus to respond to the threat.

Our bodies are designed to deal with short periods of threat. However, in the modern day we are exposed to longer term threats or stressors which results in our body releasing these hormones for longer periods of time. This can be really harmful and effect our sleep, concentration, memory and drive us to look for short term ‘fixes’ such as caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs and sex.

How to deal with stress

Reduce the amount of stress in your life, for example if your job is highly stressful then consider if there are alternatives.
Change how you manage stress, for example can you delegate some tasks or learn that good enough is ok rather than striving for perfection.
Look after your physical health, for example eating healthily and doing exercise even if you don’t feel like it.
Learn to relax, for example making sure you have time to yourself to do healthy things you enjoy, this can be as simple as listening to music or reading a book.
Be sociable, even if you feel like everything is getting too stressful and too much for you, one of the best things you can do is to meet up with your family and friends – for example, meeting up for a coffee or going for a walk. Friends and family will be able to provide you a distraction from your stress and they can help you to see the situation from a different point of view.

You can find out more about managing difficult thoughts, feelings and behaviours here.

Exercise – How to get back to feeling ok and in control

This worksheet will help you to identify things that you can do, and things that other people can help you with, that will assist you to get back to feeling calm and in control. Recognising the warning signs that you are getting angry early on can help you to avoid expressing your anger in negative and destructive ways.

Things another person can help me with	Things I can do on my own
e.g. help me to problem solve	e.g. breathing exercises