When fantasy becomes a problem
Fantasies are a healthy and normal part of everyday life and everybody fantasises about something at one point or another.
But fantasies can become a problem when:
- you engage in fantasies for a long period of time and increasingly often
- you use fantasy to deal with a situation rather than resolving the problem itself
- you would rather engage in a sexual fantasy than engage in sexual activity with your partner
- your sexual fantasies are illegal, abusive or inappropriate (explored later)
If you can identify with the bullet points above, then your fantasies may begin to affect the things you care about, such as your family, your friends, your job and your intimate and sexual relationships.
My fantasies
A good starting point in considering if your fantasies are problematic is to look at your fantasies in more detail. Exercises 1a and 1b will help you start to do this and will help you to explore your triggers to your fantasies.
Exercise 1A: Thinking about past fantasies
Think of a fantasy that you have had, either regularly or a one-off fantasy. It can be a non-sexual or sexual fantasy. Now answer the following questions:
- Where were you when you were having this fantasy?
- Were there other people around? Were these people you know or strangers?
- What time of the day was it?
- What was your mood before you had that fantasy?
- Had anything happened during that day that led you to be in that particular mood?
- What was your mood after you had the fantasy?
Now think about other fantasies you have had and answer the same questions.
Do you see themes developing? Do you tend to have fantasies when you are in a particular mood or at a certain time of day? You may find that sexual fantasies follow slightly different themes to non-sexual fantasies. Make a note of these differences.
Exercise 1B: Fantasy diary
- the time of day
- your mood before you had a fantasy
- the type of fantasy (sexual or non-sexual)
- your mood after the fantasy.
Many people who have behaved illegally online feel that as part of addressing their behaviour, they have to stop all sexual fantasies.
But sexual fantasies themselves are not necessarily a bad thing – it’s what happens in that fantasy or who is in that fantasy that might need to be addressed.
Hopefully you should now be getting a picture of when and why you use fantasy.
