What is a fantasy?
A fantasy is something that is imagined, for example, thinking about winning the lottery, how would you spend the money or where would you go?
This is one example of a fantasy. A fantasy is something that is imagined.
In this section, when we are talking about ‘sexual fantasy’, we are referring to something that is imagined which you find sexually arousing.
It could be a thought about a specific person or people you know or about imaginary people, or even be about you in a situation on your own. It might be about a situation that could possibly happen in the future, or re-running something in your head that you have seen or has happened to you before (e.g., fantasising about a scene in a movie or about someone you met) or something sexual that you don’t think could ever realistically happen in real life (e.g., having sex with a famous person or having superhuman powers).
It is important to recognise that sexual fantasy can involve thinking about things, people or situations that would not necessarily be obviously sexual to other people.
Not everyone relates to the idea of fantasy. However, by accessing this self-help guide it is assumed that you are concerned about your sexual thoughts to some extent. If these thoughts ever involve you imagining acting on any of your sexual interests, however briefly, that would be an example of you using sexual fantasy.
Fantasy and arousal
Sexual arousal can be considered as a continuum, which begins with the trigger of the arousal (‘stimulus’), through increasing levels of arousal which may or may not lead to sexual behaviour and culminating in orgasm/ejaculation. On this continuum, sexual fantasy is depicted after the initial sexual arousal.
Although the initial sexual arousal may not be a reaction you can control, all along the continuum, the arousal can be controlled and interrupted – if you wish to do so – right up until the point of orgasm has begun. However, the desire and motivation to stop the process typically reduces the further along the continuum you allow yourself to progress.
Once you allow yourself to dwell on these thoughts and begin to fantasise, rather than changing the sexual content of the thoughts to something more appropriate or distracting yourself from sexual thoughts altogether, you have already reduced your control.
The same applies to the use of online pornography for those concerned about their use of the Internet: if you allow yourself to search for sexual content when already in a state of sexual arousal, your ability to confine your actions to legal content may be impaired.
Why do people have fantasies?
Fantasies can be about a range of different things and everybody will have their own reasons for engaging in a fantasy.
- For some people, it might be a way to release stress (escapism) or a way to experience things that they wouldn’t in everyday life (that lottery win).
- Negative fantasies can be a way that people try to cope and prepare themselves for something they fear will happen, or a way of punishing themselves.
- For some people, a fantasy might give them better confidence and a sense of control over a situation by letting them rehearse how they will deal with a situation.
- Some fantasies may have a sexual element and might be a form of sexual outlet, sometimes if they are not meeting their intimacy and sexual needs within a relationship.
- Some people might use fantasy more than other people. The reasons for this are complicated but might be based in difficult experiences in the past that you could not manage on your own so you learned to ‘escape’ into your head to feel better.
A fantasy can have:
- positive outcomes: for example, imagining achieving an award or winning a competition.
- negative outcomes: for example, if a partner does not return home on time, imagining that they have been in a car accident.
Some fantasies are:
- planned, rehearsed and used repeatedly by a person, for example scoring a world cup goal.
- triggered by an emotional response or something that happens, for example replaying a bad day at work..
Sometimes a person’s thoughts stray and it takes them time to realise they are fantasising and not doing what they are supposed to be doing.
Sometimes using a fantasy is a strategy people develop in childhood when they have difficult experiences. A child does not know how to cope in the world alone, and if there is no one there to understand, guide and protect they might learn to ‘escape’ the experiences by imagining being somewhere else or that the situation is different. If this is the case for you it might be helpful to talk to a trusted professional about these circumstances and how they have impacted on you. You can find someone to talk to who can help to understand here.