Think back to the situations that have raised your worries and concerns and reflect on what happened in detail. This will help you identify some further points to prevent similar situations and concerns arising in the future.
Exercise 3: Take a closer look at challenging situations
Describe your concern in detail | |||
Who was involved? |
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Where did this happen? |
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When did it happen? |
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Describe your thoughts, feelings and behaviours before, during and after this event | |||
| Thoughts | Feelings | Behaviour |
Before the event (this could be just before or during a longer period leading up to the event) |
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During the event |
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After the event (this could be immediately after or a longer period after the event) |
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How did you deal with the first situation that worried you? Have similar situations happened since? How have your thoughts, feelings, behaviours towards the child(ren) developed since?
Thinking about the children you have sexual thoughts or feelings about, and the situations in which these arise, consider whether there are particular scenarios where you feel concerned or uneasy. What are the triggers, situations, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that tend to occur during these times? We will take a closer look at these below.
Problematic situations and personal stressors
The thoughts or behaviours that have worried you may have come up or intensified in situations that were difficult for you. Examples are conflict with a partner, financial difficulties, bereavement, or health issues. When you deal with such situations or stressors, it gets more difficult to manage sexual thoughts or feelings. What can you do to address these stressors in a more helpful way?
Here are some websites that can help with some of the examples listed above:
- Relate for relationship advice and support
- Citizens Advice if you experience financial difficulties
- Cruse bereavement support
- Your GP can support you with any health issues
Problematic feelings
What feelings relate to the situations you have been worried about? These could be feelings about the child(ren), yourself, other people or other circumstances. Some people develop romantic feelings towards children. Others may experience negative emotions, for example due to stress in their life, and in turn use sexual thoughts and behaviours to deal with these negative emotions.
Think about where these feelings stem from and why you are experiencing them or have developed them.
You may find the modules in the Wellbeing/Self-Care section helpful to further understand, recognise and manage feelings.
Problematic behaviours
Concerning sexual thoughts or behaviours can go together with other harmful or problematic behaviours, such as addictive or compulsive behaviours. What problematic behaviours can you see that may be related to the sexual thoughts or behaviours involving your child(ren)? Examples of problematic behaviours include problematic use of adult pornography and alcohol/drug use.
Some people will use pornography to manage their sexual needs. While this may be ok for some people, it can also be risky. You may be looking at sexual images or videos of adults, but your thoughts go somewhere else. For example, you may view material that allows you to place yourself in risky fantasy scenarios or think about children you know. It is important to consider how fantasies can reinforce a sexual attraction. In addition, frequent use of pornography can lead to a feeling that certain material is “not enough” and escalate to using more extreme and harmful content. The diagram below shows why pornography use can escalate.
You can find further support for use of pornography in our Adult pornography module.
People may use alcohol or drugs/substance recreationally. Drugs and alcohol can help people unwind and relax, they may feel helpful in dealing with stress. But alcohol and drugs can cloud your judgment and make it difficult to manage your impulses. Alcohol or drugs can make it harder to make safe choices, which raises the risk of causing sexual harm. If you need support for your alcohol/drug use, you can speak to your GP.
You may find our module addiction useful.
Problematic thoughts
Sexual thoughts or behaviours about children are often linked to thinking styles that justify harmful thoughts and behaviours. This can be thoughts about a specific child you know, or it could be more generally about children or sex. For example, someone with sexual thoughts about a child may think “He/she is enjoying being with me, they must want to have a sexual relationship with me”, “She is wearing a short skirt, so she wants me to look”, “He comes and joins me in the bed, therefore he is asking for me to touch him”. Likewise, some people hold beliefs that they deserve sex, such as “I am the head of the household, so I can take what I want”, “My partner owes me sex”, “It is okay for me to touch my stepdaughter because her mother won’t have sex with me”.
Think about which thoughts you have used to make sexual activity with your child more permissible. Such thoughts might have occurred before, during or after you have thought or acted sexually towards your child(ren). Write these thoughts down. Now, ask yourself where these thoughts have stemmed from. Cultural, societal and individual factors can all be important here, for example, male socialisation, beliefs learned from own parents/caregivers, opinions of peers, having low self-esteem or feeling more comfortable around children than adults.
Exercise 4: Challenge your own thoughts
Note down examples you may say to yourself to make your behaviour okay. Then respond to them with more realistic and helpful thoughts. You can already find some examples in the table below.
Justification | Response |
“He/she is enjoying being with me, they must want to have a sexual relationship with me” | “He/she is just enjoying spending time with me as a parent. My responsibility is to care for them and keep them safe” |
“She is wearing a short skirt, so she wants me to look”
| “She is dressing the way she likes, she doesn’t dress for me. It is my responsibility to act appropriately” |
“He comes and joins me in the bed, therefore he is asking for me to touch him” | “He wants cuddles and needs closeness. That does not mean sexual contact” |
“It is okay for me to touch my stepdaughter because her mother won’t have sex with me” | “No one owes me sex and I can manage my sex drive safely on my own” |
“She is smiling when I cuddle her, so she must be wanting more” | “She enjoys the cuddles and that’s it. Her smiling does not mean she is encouraging me to do anything else.” |
“I deserve to act on my high sex drive” | “I can manage my sex drive without involving anyone else, especially if they don’t want to” |
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