So you have identified which of your sexual thoughts or behaviours are inappropriate. We are now going to focus on strategies to manage them. For some people this will be easy, but for others it will take time, hard work, a lot of willpower and heaps of self-control. You are not alone if you feel it is too hard to control these thoughts, fantasies and behaviours but YOU ARE IN CONTROL and you can make a choice as to how much attention you choose to give to them.
Next time you have an unhealthy sexual thought or urge, you can try to use one of these to help you stop. The more you use these, the more you will learn what works more effectively for you. It may be that you need to practice them or use a combination of these to find the best way for you.
Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from the situation in which we are fantasising. Get up, get out of that room, leave the house if you have to. Go anywhere that stops you from having that sexual fantasy. Put yourself around people so that you can’t masturbate.
Do something that prevents you from thinking about a fantasy. This could be reading, watching TV, going for a walk or ringing a friend. Anything that takes your thoughts away from that fantasy and engages your brain.
Engage in a relaxation technique that works for you. This should be planned and rehearsed in advance. Techniques include, for example, guided visualisation, breathing exercises, mindfulness or yoga.
You can ask yourself questions to remind yourself of the consequences of engaging in the thought/fantasy or behaviour. Be firm with yourself. ‘Why am I having this thought, fantasy or urge; what good is it actually going to do me?’
You could also ask about the consequences to implant fear. ‘What would happen if someone walked in and could see what I was thinking about?’ ‘I know if I keep having this thought, I am more likely to act on this fantasy; what are the consequences if I was caught?’.
Change the ending or the subject of your fantasy. For example, if you are beginning to indulge in fantasy about a child you have seen, change the child to an adult. In order to gain the same satisfaction, this will probably not be an immediate solution, but you could start by changing small features like hairstyle or body form and over time change the whole situation. In contrast, try a different fantasy all together which is new and exciting…. and healthy!
Imagine someone walking in to your fantasy and catching you. This person has to be someone who you would never want to find out, like a close friend or family member. Or maybe the police. Note that this technique should not be used if you are aroused by the idea of someone finding out.
Imagine your fantasy as being like a giant wave. It will build and build to a peak and then suddenly go the other way and decline in intensity. If you do not masturbate, eventually the urge to do so will go away. This happens with all urges, not just sexual urges; for example if you are craving chocolate, eventually this craving will go away. Urges never stay, they usually are at their worst for 20 minutes. Reminding yourself that it will pass can be a helpful way to stop yourself from acting on it.
As a long term strategy then eating well, exercising, sleeping and relaxation; all of these contribute to a happier, healthier you. If you ensure all these are in check, you will find managing sexual fantasies much easier. You can look back to the self-care module for more information.
The most important thing is to praise yourself for your success. If you are able to stop a particular fantasy, congratulate yourself. Treat yourself to something nice to eat or do something you enjoy. Stopping fantasies can be difficult, especially if you are used to having them, so you need to give yourself credit for that.
