Let’s start by looking at how you have usually been dealing with problems. It is really important that as you look towards building a positive future you think about your coping style when you are faced with problems in your life. There are 3 main types:
We have to deal with problems and obstacles every day – be it figuring out the quickest and safest route to travel to and from work, how to have a tricky conversation with a neighbour, or keeping on top of chores. Sometimes solving problems can feel very easy and doesn’t require much effort. At other times, even small obstacles may seem insurmountable. How you feel about problems will depend on the type of problem and how you are generally feeling in yourself at the time.
There are different ways in which people generally deal with problems. We learn coping styles throughout out life, starting in childhood. Children who grow up with parents who don’t show or talk about feelings may for example struggle with dealing with feelings themselves because they didn’t learn how to manage them growing up, and this can lead to misunderstandings and issues in relationships (if this is a problem for you, have a look at the Recognising and dealing with feelings module). Once we have found a strategy that has helped us overcome a problem, or avoid being impacted by a problem as much, we tend to go back to that strategy and use it again.
Even if we have a go-to strategy to solving problems, we can still learn to change our approach. In this module we explore what your usual problem solving approach has been, how helpful this has been for you, and how to deal with problems most effectively.
We encourage people to use a problem solving approach as this helps tackle the problem and hopefully resolve it or at least helps you manage negative feelings such as stress, anxiety and worry. The problem solving approach can be split into the following steps
Be specific, for example if you are not happy at work, think about what exactly is causing the problem, is it the hours, the commute, the type of work.
Take time to go through all the steps before you make a decision.
Don’t guess at the outcome or rely on the opinion of others.
The more solutions you come up with the more options you have! Even if they seem unrealistic it’s worth considering all the options.
In the Problem of Immediate Gratification section we introduced you to a table of costs and gains. This can be used when evaluating any decision. If the costs outweigh the gains then it can be really obvious that it is not a good decision. You also need to ask yourself if you are choosing a short term ‘fix’ (for example alcohol, drugs, sex), again re-visit the Problem of Immediate Gratification section if you need to understand why you might do this.
Hopefully this is clear having completed the costs and gains above, if not then speak to a trusted friend/family member to get a different view. If you can make a good case to them about the course of action you want to take then you are probably making a well-considered decision. It is unlikely they will support you using a short term ‘fix’ to feel better when it doesn’t address the problem!
Benjamin Franklin said that “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
Put your plan into action!
If we don’t evaluate what we did and how well it worked we can end up repeating the same mistakes or thinking we have solved a problem when we haven’t. It might be that you haven’t identified the right problem in the first place; for example, if you didn’t like your work colleagues you might have to change where you work but the type of work is still the same so while you have different colleagues you actually realise it is the type of work you do that needs to change.
Exercise 1 – What approach do I use?
You may recognise one, two or even all three of the approaches above. Which of the three approaches do you most often go for? It might also be the case that you use one approach for a specific type of problem (e.g. you may use the Emotional Approach more with relationship problems, but the Problem Solving Approach at work). To help you identify your usual approach, complete a Problem Diary for a week:
Problem Diary – complete the problem diary over the next 7 days. Reflect on your initial responses to the problem and how you dealt with it.
| Describe the problem- what happened? | My thoughts about the problem? | My feelings about the problem? | What did I do? | Which approach is this? Avoidant, Emotional, or Problem Solving? | What was the outcome? How did I feel afterwards? |
Looking at the diary and thinking about your sexual thoughts/behaviours consider these questions:
- Which approach do you use most – avoidant, emotional or problem solving?
- Was an emotional /avoidant response linked to your sexual thoughts or behaviours, for example do you use sexual fantasy or behaviours when you feel stressed or have relationship problems?
- Which approach has been most effective at solving problems?
Sometimes things can get in the way of solving problems. We can think of these as obstacles that we need to overcome.