In this section, when we are talking about ‘sexual fantasy’, we are referring to something that is imagined which you find sexually arousing.
A fantasy is something we imagine. It is more than just a fleeting thought. A fantasy is usually a longer scenario we play out in our mind.
It could be thinking about a specific person, someone you know or imaginary, or even be about you in a scenario on your own. It might be about a situation that could possibly happen in the future, re-running something in your head that you have seen or that has happened to you before (e.g., fantasising about a scene in a movie or about someone you met) or something sexual that you don’t think could ever realistically happen in real life (e.g., having sex with a famous person or having superhuman powers).
It is important to recognise that sexual fantasy can involve thinking about things, people or situations that would not necessarily be obviously sexual to other people.
- For some, a fantasy will give them confidence, increased self-assurance and a sense of control over a situation by letting them rehearse how they will deal with a situation.
- For others, it may be a form of stress release(escapism) or a way to experience things that they wouldn’t in everyday life.
- Some people use sexual fantasies to cope with negative emotions, like loneliness or rejection.
- Negative fantasies can be a way people try to cope and prepare themselves for something they fear will happen, or a way of punishing
- Some people use sexual fantasies as a form of sexual outlet; often if they are not meeting their sexual needs within a relationship.
Fantasy and sexual arousal
A sexual fantasy can lead to a physical response in our body and/or a bodily response can trigger a sexual fantasy. Often, this bodily response is sexual arousal.
Sexual arousal can be considered as a continuum, which begins with the trigger of the arousal (a ‘stimulus’ that starts the arousal). This could be something external in your environment, like seeing someone you find attractive, or it could be something internal in your mind, like a spontaneous memory. Arousal increases if you act on it.
For example, if you engage in a sexual fantasy, masturbate or look at sexual images, the arousal will continue to increase until it plateaus for a while. Continuing to engage with the fantasy or sexual behaviour can lead to orgasm, followed by a decrease in arousal.
Although the initial sexual arousal may not be a reaction you can control, all along the continuum, the arousal can be controlled and interrupted – if you wish to do so – right up until the point of orgasm has begun. However, the desire and motivation to stop the process typically reduces the further along the continuum you allow yourself to progress.
Recognising if a sexual fantasy is unhealthy
Whether a particular fantasy is considered ‘unhealthy’ can vary from person to person; for example, it is more appropriate for a 20-year-old person to have sexual fantasies about an 18-year-old, than a 60-year-old person.
There are also fantasies that strengthen attraction to children. For example if you fantasise about having sex with your partner who is dressed in school uniform, or doing a role play of a adult/child relationship e.g. father/daughter or teacher/pupil then for someone who has a sexual interest in children, it may be unhelpful as it might reinforce the attraction or increase the desire towards children. This can be amplified if the fantasy is acted out with the partner.
My fantasies
A good starting point in considering if your fantasies are problematic is to look at your fantasies in more detail. The exercises below will help you to start to doing this by exploring your triggers to your fantasies.
