Advice for parents

Talking to children about a parent’s arrest

Finding out that a loved one has committed a sexual offence can come as a huge shock and can leave you feeling overwhelmed about what to do next. For some, one of the hardest things can be telling their children what their parent, grandparent or other loved one has done.

We know this is a hard step to take, and want to reassure you that this information is designed to give you advice and guidance on how to approach this topic, and to empower you to talk to your children, in the way you feel is appropriate.

If you have any concerns, questions, or would just like to talk through what you are going to say to your child, our helpline operators are here to offer further guidance and support.

What to consider

What to say to children and how to talk to them about a loved one’s offending can be difficult for parents and professionals. Here are some issues for parents to be aware of and think about.

Without being given all of the information, children will try to make sense of the situation by guessing and filling in the gaps, and sometimes making wrong assumptions. For example, they might think they are part of the problem or feel rejected by a family member who is restricted from seeing them.
Children might still love the parent who has offended, even though they have done something wrong. Family members may well feel and respond differently and each person needs to be able to express their own views and have them acknowledged.
Children will probably want to know why the person offended. It may help them to know that the adults are also struggling to make sense of the situation.
Children will have a range of feelings about their parent’s offending and will need time to process the information. They might feel extremely angry about how the offences will impact their or others’ lives or feel anxious about their parent’s future behaviour, and the possibility of them going to prison. Children might feel unable to express or talk about these feelings with their parents as they may worry about upsetting them further.
One of the greatest difficulties for a parent is facing how their children might be impacted by the offending. It is important to bear in mind that the child is likely to find out at some point, and that it is better this happens in a measured way from a supportive adult. Children might be angry if they feel significant information has been kept from them if they feel they should know about it.
If your child wants to know more than you think is enough, it is okay for you to tell them that they know enough for now. Too much detail can be very disturbing for children. Keep the details to a minimum when they’re young but let them know it is okay to ask questions, although you may not be able to answer them all.

Having conversations with children

Having a sensitive conversation can be challenging, especially if you’re worried that your child is struggling. But having this conversation will give you both the chance to talk about feelings and comfort each other. Here are some examples of how parents have approached the topic.

Uncle S. is very upset to have caused so much upset for all the family and he is trying to get some help with his problem. We really didn’t want you to have to hear this but thought you had a right to know what was going on.

Dad’s done something very wrong. He’s been looking at rude things on the internet. And some of those things were to do with children, which is against the law, so the police are involved and are deciding what to do about it.

Grandad’s been spending a lot of time on the internet and we have found out that some of that time was spent looking at sexual pictures of children. It’s against the law to look at that kind of thing and he is in trouble for doing it.

You might want to include comments such as:

they are very upset to have caused so much upset for all the family
they are trying to get some help with their problem
we really didn’t want you to have to hear this but thought you had a right to know what was going on.

Preparing for the conversation

Take your time to prepare what to say and how to say it.

It might be helpful to practice with a friend or with us on our confidential helpline (0808 1000 900). Think about what questions your child might ask you, and try to prepare some answers.
Based on your child’s age and ability, think about how you should approach the conversation. Remember, only say what is factual.
Make sure you are in the right frame of mind when you talk to your child. It’s okay to show your feelings as long as your child does not feel overwhelmed or responsible. Evidence suggests that children respond better if they see their parent is coping.
Think about when and where to tell your child. Make sure it’s a safe space where they feel comfortable and able to express their emotions.
Talk to your child as early in the process as possible so that they do not hear information for the first time from someone else – this can damage trust.
It’s important to discuss with your local Children’s Services what you are going to tell your child. If they want you to say more than you feel is appropriate, talk about your concerns with them.

During the conversation

When you start the conversation, ask what your child already knows – it is helpful to hear the language they use.

Ask children about what you have told them, what they have heard and how they feel about it
Provide them with information, and prioritise what your child needs to know. Be clear and talk to them in simple and easily understandable amounts.
Allow enough time for the conversation, and listen to your child’s concerns.
Siblings can be told different amounts of information depending on their age or ability to understand. But the information needs to be consistent because they are likely to talk to each other. Work with a trusted adult to decide what each child should be told. Give age-appropriate layered information; you can’t take back what you say, so if they are told too much then they will know too much. Siblings will also have different reactions to the person who has offended – this is to be expected.
Without being given all of the information, children will try to make sense of the situation by guessing and filling in the gaps, and sometimes making wrong assumptions. For example, they might think they are part of the problem or feel rejected by a family member who is restricted from seeing them.
Avoid using the word secret. If your child wants to tell someone, ask them to discuss it with you first. Think about what your child might say to their friends. You may want to share some information with their friends’ parents.

After the conversation

Let your child know that they can come to you when they want to.

Remember that their feelings may change. It can be helpful to check in with your child’s general wellbeing as you feel appropriate, or as the situation develops.
Think if there are any suitable adults your child could also get support from (another family member, school teacher or counsellor.
Your wellbeing is also important, so take some time for your own self-care. Visit our support page for information on organisations that can support you and your children.

Talking to children about a parent’s arrest

What to consider

Having conversations with children

Support organisations for parents

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