Professionals working with someone accused of a sexual offence against a child may encounter a range of responses from partners and not all of these may align with the professional’s expectations. It is also worth bearing in mind that a partner’s thoughts and feelings about the offender may change over time.
Research
Little research has been carried out on partners and families. In Terry Philpot’s (2009) book ‘Understanding child abuse: The partners of child sex offenders tell their stories’, seven partners of child sexual offenders give first-person accounts of their experiences. Themes repeated across these women’s accounts include the emotional impact of the discovery of the abuse, conflicting feelings and doubts as to what to believe, and the impact of being scrutinised by Social Services.
Rachel Condry’s (2007) book based on her doctoral research, ‘Families shamed: The consequences of crime for relatives of serious offenders’ describes the experiences of 32 relatives of individuals convicted or accused of serious crimes, including sexual offences. The majority were relatives of convicted or accused sexual offenders, seven of whom were wives or partners. Shame, stigmatisation, and a loss of identity are highlighted as common themes.
Annie Stubley’s (2015) doctoral research explored the experience of internet offenders’ partners. Participants in this study experienced negative emotional and cognitive responses. In addition to shock, distress and anxiety, the offending challenged their perceptions of themselves and/or their partner, leading many participants to question their ability to make judgements or good decisions. In the short term, partners tended to feel unable to go to work or to mix with other people; some experienced mental health problems. Avoidance of disclosure for fear of negative judgement and avoidance of other people due to lack of disclosure were common responses, leaving many participants feeling isolated and afraid of the future.
Why might they want to stay in the relationship?
Not all partners will choose to remain in the relationship, but many do. It should be remembered that some will remain ambivalent about the relationship for a long time. Related to this, is the lengthy period over which the criminal justice process typically extends in such cases, mainly due to the police investigation. As a result, many partners do not feel able to make clear decisions about their future while things are ‘up in the air’ and the sentencing outcome remains unknown.
“I feel like I’m in Limbo. I can’t plan anything, because I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
A partner’s decision about the relationship and the level of risk represented by the offender is likely to be informed by several factors, including but not limited to:
- View of the seriousness of the offending
- Dependency on the offender (psychological, social and/or financial)
- Level of investment in the relationship (children, duration of relationship, shared family and social ties)
- Existence of alternative social supports
- The offender’s past behaviour
- The offender’s account of his offending
- The quality of the relationship prior to the discovery of the offending is likely to have a significant bearing on the partner’s response.
“My friends can’t understand why I’m staying with him, and they don’t approve. They think it won’t last. I want to prove them wrong. We’ve still got a future, just a different one from the one we thought it would be before. I mean, you don’t just stop loving somebody.”
If you have any concerns, questions, or would just like to talk about what you are going through, our non-judgemental helpline advisors are here to support you. You can stay anonymous and don’t have to give your real name or any contact details. If you’re not ready to speak to anyone yet, you can also use our live chat or send a secure email.
