Self help modules:
many individuals use fantasy management techniques to help stop having harmful sexual fantasies.
Fantasies can be about a range of different things and everybody will have their own reasons for engaging in a fantasy. Sometimes a person’s thoughts stray and it takes them a short time to realise they are fantasising and not doing what they are supposed to be doing.
This module will help you explore and understand fantasies and the link with online behaviours.
This module will help you explore and understand:
Do you ever think about winning the lottery? How would you spend the money? Where would you go?
This is one example of a fantasy. A fantasy is something that is imagined.
In this section, when we are talking about ‘sexual fantasy’, we are referring to something that is imagined which you find sexually arousing.
It could be a thought about a specific person or people you know or about imaginary people, or even be about you in a situation on your own. It might be about a situation that could possibly happen in the future, or re-running something in your head that you have seen or has happened to you before (e.g., fantasising about a scene in a movie or about someone you met) or something sexual that you don’t think could ever realistically happen in real life (e.g., having sex with a famous person or having superhuman powers).
It is important to recognise that sexual fantasy can involve thinking about things, people or situations that would not necessarily be obviously sexual to other people.
Not everyone relates to the idea of fantasy. However, by accessing this self-help guide it is assumed that you are concerned about your sexual thoughts to some extent. If these thoughts ever involve you imagining acting on any of your sexual interests, however briefly, that would be an example of you using sexual fantasy.
Fantasy and arousal
Sexual arousal can be considered as a continuum, which begins with the trigger of the arousal (‘stimulus’), through increasing levels of arousal which may or may not lead to sexual behaviour and culminating in orgasm/ejaculation. On this continuum, sexual fantasy is depicted after the initial sexual arousal.
Although the initial sexual arousal may not be a reaction you can control, all along the continuum, the arousal can be controlled and interrupted – if you wish to do so – right up until the point of orgasm has begun. However, the desire and motivation to stop the process typically reduces the further along the continuum you allow yourself to progress.
Once you allow yourself to dwell on these thoughts and begin to fantasise, rather than changing the sexual content of the thoughts to something more appropriate or distracting yourself from sexual thoughts altogether, you have already reduced your control.
The same applies to the use of online pornography for those concerned about their use of the Internet: if you allow yourself to search for sexual content when already in a state of sexual arousal, your ability to confine your actions to legal content may be impaired.
Fantasies can be about a variety of different things and everybody will have their own reasons for engaging in a fantasy…
Well actually, you are harming yourself because you are reinforcing your attraction to things that are illegal and abusive.
As explored earlier, we can get pleasure from our fantasies. If the subjects of our fantasies are inappropriate, we then associate feelings of pleasure with something that is illegal and abusive. This is particularly true if you masturbate to the point of ejaculation to the fantasy, as the next time you think of the fantasy you will remember the pleasure and arousal.
This is not helpful if you want to control an attraction to children or an illegal behaviour such as looking at sexual images of children.
So what are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections:
Illegal fantasies
These are fantasies that would be illegal if they were carried out or acted on in real life, such as having sex with a child.
Abusive fantasies
So, imagine you are a 48 year old man and you are having a sexual fantasy about a 16 year old. Is this illegal? No. But is this appropriate? We think not, because there is likely to be a difference in power, whether that be related to age, money, or life experience.
Not OK for me
This could be a legal and healthy fantasy for some people, but not for you. For example an adult dressed as a school child. This may be ok for some people but for those who have a sexual interest in children, it may take them a step closer to a fantasy about a child.
In order to understand where your problematic sexual behaviours began, it is helpful to identify what was happening in your life at that time. This exercise gets you to look back over your life and reflect upon how your sexual thoughts of children began and developed over time.
In each box write a brief description of a key event in your life, marking a progression in your sexual thoughts and behaviour, eventually leading to your recognition that this was a problem. Have a look at the example below to help you get started. We recommend completing your timeline in the following order:
Have you recently had a fantasy about a child? If you have, then without thinking about it in too much detail, work through these questions one at a time and see if these help you think about your fantasies differently.
What this fantasy says about you
What this fantasy says about how you view others
What this fantasy says about your view of the world
Were you struck by any of your responses? The above exercise has helped people identify needs met by fantasy that are not being met in the real world. These are not necessarily sexual needs. For example, some people identify that in their fantasy life they are able to take the role of someone more in control or confident than they feel in their day-to-day life and relationships.
The exercise can be used to work out how healthy a fantasy is. For example, if on reflection you feel it would be unpleasant to be treated in the fantasy the same way you act towards the others in the fantasy, or if you would be ashamed of others knowing about the fantasy, you may decide this is not a healthy fantasy.
The content of a fantasy is one aspect to consider in deciding whether the fantasy is appropriate or inappropriate, but in the next section of this module we explore other reasons why fantasy might be a problem.
Fantasies are a healthy and normal part of everyday life and everybody fantasises about something at one point or another.
But fantasies can become a problem when:
If you can identify with the bullet points above, then your fantasies may begin to affect the things you care about, such as your family, your friends, your job and your intimate and sexual relationships.
A good starting point in considering if your fantasies are problematic is to look at your fantasies in more detail. Exercises 1a and 1b will help you start to do this and will help you to explore your triggers to your fantasies.
Think of a fantasy that you have had, either regularly or a one-off fantasy. It can be a non-sexual or sexual fantasy. Now answer the following questions:
Now think about other fantasies you have had and answer the same questions.
Do you see themes developing? Do you tend to have fantasies when you are in a particular mood or at a certain time of day? You may find that sexual fantasies follow slightly different themes to non-sexual fantasies. Make a note of these differences.
Many people who have behaved illegally online feel that as part of addressing their behaviour, they have to stop all sexual fantasies.
But sexual fantasies themselves are not necessarily a bad thing – it’s what happens in that fantasy or who is in that fantasy that might need to be addressed.
Hopefully you should now be getting a picture of when and why you use fantasy.
So you have identified which of your sexual fantasies are inappropriate. But how do you stop having them?
For some people this will be easy, but for others it will take time, hard work, a lot of willpower and heaps of self-control. You are not alone if you feel it is too hard to control these fantasies, but you are in control of your thoughts and feelings and you can make a choice as to how much attention you choose to give to them.
Many individuals use fantasy management techniques to help stop having these harmful sexual fantasies.
Have a read through the techniques below. Next time you have a harmful sexual fantasy, you need to try and use one of these to help you stop. The more you use these, the more you will learn what works more effectively for you. It may be that you need to rehearse them or use a combination of these to get it just right.
Challenging your thoughts
‘Why am I having this fantasy; what good is it actually going to do me?’ These are examples of questions you can ask and challenge yourself with. Be firm with yourself.
You could also ask about the consequences to implant fear. ‘Why would happen if someone walked in and could see what I was fantasising about?’ ‘I know if I keep having this fantasy, I am more likely to look at indecent images of children; what are the consequences if I was caught?’
Fantasy replacement
Change the ending or the subject of your fantasy. For example, if you are beginning to indulge in fantasy about a child you have seen in an indecent image or communicated with online, change the child to an adult. In order to gain the same satisfaction, this will probably not be an immediate solution, but you could start by changing small features like hairstyle or body form and over time change the whole situation. In contrast, try a different fantasy all together which is new and exciting…. and legal!
Fantasy blocker
Imagine someone walking in to your fantasy and catching you. This person has to be someone who you would never want to find out, like a close friend or family member. Or maybe the police.
Escape route
Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from the situation in which we are fantasising. Get up, get out of that room, leave the house if you have to. Go anywhere that stops you from having that sexual fantasy. Put yourself around people so that you can’t masturbate.
Active distraction
Do something that prevents you from thinking about a fantasy. This could be reading, watching TV, going for a walk. It could be ringing a friend or going for a drink. Anything that takes your thoughts away from that fantasy.
Urge surfing
Imagine your fantasy as being like a giant wave. It will build and build to a peak and then suddenly go the other way and decline in intensity. If you do not masturbate, eventually the urge to do so will go away. This happens with all urges, not just sexual urges; for example if you are craving chocolate, eventually this craving will go away. Urges never stay.
Self-care
Eating well, exercising, sleeping and relaxation; all of these contribute to a happier, healthier you. If you ensure all these are in check, you will find managing sexual fantasies much easier.
Praise your success
The most important thing is to praise yourself for your success. If you are able to stop a particular fantasy, congratulate yourself. Treat yourself to something nice to eat or do something you enjoy. Stopping fantasies can be difficult, especially if you are used to having them, so you need to give yourself credit for that.
This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of:
This module will help you to explore, different types of triggers, your own triggers, potential warning signs of sexual abuse, including grooming and situational and environmental risks.
This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of Immediate changes to help you take control of your behaviour How you may have used justifications to allow your problematic behaviour(s) to continue
This module will help you explore and understand your current sexual and non-sexual fantasies, and the link between your fantasies and your online behaviour
This section is designed to help you explain terminology around unusual sexual interests (paraphilias) and learn how to lead a healthy life with these interests.
This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of problematic sexual behaviours, motivations, patterns and trends.
Our confidential helpline is free and available to anyone concerned about the safety of children.
Lucy Faithfull Foundation offers support and advice for parents, carers, professionals, survivors and communities. Shore is for teenagers worried about sexual behaviour.
Our helpline 0808 1000 900
2 Birch House, Harris Business Park, Hanbury Road
Stoke Prior, Bromsgrove, B60 4DJ
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