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Self help modules:

Fantasies

many individuals use fantasy management techniques to help stop having harmful sexual fantasies.

Have you ever had someone say you are in another world, or comment on not being present or being in a day-dream? 

Do you ever feel that life is passing you by and you spend too much time in your mind?  It may be that you are someone who spends time in a fantasy. Time on the internet can be a way to provide ideas for fantasies, to give your mind thoughts to focus on. Maybe you are someone who ruminates on things or replays experiences from the past or imagines what might happen in the future, good or bad.   

Module chapters

Fantasies
In this section, when we are talking about ‘sexual fantasy’, we are referring to something that is imagined which you find sexually arousing
Appropriate versus inappropriate fantasy
So what are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections
Exercise: appropriate versus inappropriate fantasy
Have you recently had a fantasy about a child? If you have, then without thinking about it in too much detail, work through these questions one at a time and see if these help you think about your fantasies differently
Exercise: When fantasy becomes a problem
A good starting point in considering if your fantasies are problematic is to look at your fantasies in more detail.
Fantasy and Adult pornography
So what are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections
Exercise: a fantasy management technique
Many individuals use fantasy management techniques to help stop having these harmful sexual fantasies.

Fantasies

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What is a fantasy?

A fantasy is something that is imagined, for example, thinking about winning the lottery, how would you spend the money or where would you go? 

This is one example of a fantasy. A fantasy is something that is imagined.

In this section, when we are talking about ‘sexual fantasy’, we are referring to something that is imagined which you find sexually arousing.

It could be a thought about a specific person or people you know or about imaginary people, or even be about you in a situation on your own. It might be about a situation that could possibly happen in the future, or re-running something in your head that you have seen or has happened to you before (e.g., fantasising about a scene in a movie or about someone you met) or something sexual that you don’t think could ever realistically happen in real life (e.g., having sex with a famous person or having superhuman powers).

It is important to recognise that sexual fantasy can involve thinking about things, people or situations that would not necessarily be obviously sexual to other people.

Not everyone relates to the idea of fantasy. However, by accessing this self-help guide it is assumed that you are concerned about your sexual thoughts to some extent. If these thoughts ever involve you imagining acting on any of your sexual interests, however briefly, that would be an example of you using sexual fantasy.

Fantasy and arousal

Sexual arousal can be considered as a continuum, which begins with the trigger of the arousal (‘stimulus’), through increasing levels of arousal which may or may not lead to sexual behaviour and culminating in orgasm/ejaculation. On this continuum, sexual fantasy is depicted after the initial sexual arousal.

Although the initial sexual arousal may not be a reaction you can control, all along the continuum, the arousal can be controlled and interrupted – if you wish to do so – right up until the point of orgasm has begun. However, the desire and motivation to stop the process typically reduces the further along the continuum you allow yourself to progress.

Once you allow yourself to dwell on these thoughts and begin to fantasise, rather than changing the sexual content of the thoughts to something more appropriate or distracting yourself from sexual thoughts altogether, you have already reduced your control.

The same applies to the use of online pornography for those concerned about their use of the Internet: if you allow yourself to search for sexual content when already in a state of sexual arousal, your ability to confine your actions to legal content may be impaired.

Why do people have fantasies?

Fantasies can be about a range of different things and everybody will have their own reasons for engaging in a fantasy. 

  • For some people, it might be a way to release stress (escapism) or a way to experience things that they wouldn’t in everyday life (that lottery win).
  • Negative fantasies can be a way that people try to cope and prepare themselves for something they fear will happen, or a way of punishing themselves.
  • For some people, a fantasy might give them better confidence and a sense of control over a situation by letting them rehearse how they will deal with a situation.
  • Some fantasies may have a sexual element and might be a form of sexual outlet, sometimes if they are not meeting their intimacy and sexual needs within a relationship.
  • Some people might use fantasy more than other people. The reasons for this are complicated but might be based in difficult experiences in the past that you could not manage on your own so you learned to ‘escape’ into your head to feel better.  

A fantasy can have:

  • positive outcomes: for example, imagining achieving an award or winning a competition.
  • negative outcomes: for example, if a partner does not return home on time, imagining that they have been in a car accident.

Some fantasies are:

  • planned, rehearsed and used repeatedly by a person, for example scoring a world cup goal.
  • triggered by an emotional response or something that happens, for example replaying a bad day at work..

 

Sometimes a person’s thoughts stray and it takes them time to realise they are fantasising and not doing what they are supposed to be doing.

Sometimes using a fantasy is a strategy people develop in childhood when they have difficult experiences. A child does not know how to cope in the world alone, and if there is no one there to understand, guide and protect they might learn to ‘escape’ the experiences by imagining being somewhere else or that the situation is different.  If this is the case for you it might be helpful to talk to a trusted professional about these circumstances and how they have impacted on you. You can find someone to talk to who can help to understand here.  

Appropriate versus inappropriate fantasy

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Some people will say that a sexual thought isn’t harming anyone, it is just in your head, and there is no law against thoughts, but you may be reinforcing your interest in things that are illegal or abusive with your fantasies.  This could be particularly important if you are imagining scenes that if they occurred in real life would be abusive or illegal (e.g. non-consensual sexual acts or sexual acts with someone under the age of 16). We know that fantasies can become stronger if someone masturbates to them, as the pleasure experience gets associated with the fantasy. This means though, that if you masturbate to appropriate fantasies these can also strengthen over time.  

It can be important to identify if your fantasies are linked to your online use.  You might find what you view may be influencing what you imagine in your fantasies (e.g. what we watch on TV or online, what we read or what we listen to) and vice versa.  Bear in mind sexual images of someone under the age of 18 is an offence.   

 

So, what exactly are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections: 

Illegal fantasies

These are fantasies that would be illegal if they were carried out or acted on in real life, such as having sex with a child, or involving non-consensual acts with adults. To reiterate, having fantasies is not illegal, no matter what it is you fantasise about. But fantasies that cover activities that would be illegal if you acted them out are inappropriate.

Abusive fantasies

Things you fantasise about can be legal but still be abusive. So, imagine you are a 48–year–old man and you are having a sexual fantasy about a 16–year–old. Is this illegal? No. But is this appropriate? No. An adult having a sexual relationship with a 16–year-old is not illegal, but if the man is more than 5 years older (or is in a position of responsibility) then it is likely they have more power than the 16–year–old (perhaps related to age, status, money, or life experience and knowledge).

Not OK for me

This could be a legal and healthy fantasy for some people, but not for you. For example, an adult dressed as a school child. This may be ok for some people but for those who have a sexual interest in children, it may take them a step closer to a fantasy about a child.  As an individual it is your role to decide what fantasy is ok for you and which are not, if you are unsure you can speak with a professional or our helpline advisors. 

We are all different, we all use fantasy in a different way and it may have a different impact on different people.  That is why it is important to consider your imaginary life/thought life and consider how it could be healthier.   

Below are some examples of fantasies, spend some time considering what the impact of spending time thinking about each of these might be for you…. 

Answer: 

Could make you feel lonely or sad 

Could increase your sexual attraction to a past partner (which could hinder you fully engaging in a new relationship or attraction) 

Could help you feel happy or appreciative of good memories and pleasurable feelings 

Answer: 

You may feel powerful or in control during the fantasy 

You might feel powerless 

You may later feel bad about yourself as you believe forcing someone sexually is wrong and illegal 

Bearing in mind that forcing someone to do something sexual against their will is illegal.  Think about what this fantasy is encouraging a link between. 

You may engage in a thought like this because you want to feel better, maybe feeling powerful or in control might be the opposite of how you feel in your real life.   

Thinking about this might temporarily help you feel better, but staying in this fantasy might get in the way of you engaging in more healthy ways of coping or may mean you aren’t present to take steps to make the situations/relationships you are in better.  It could foster a relationship in your mind and body between use of force and sexual arousal. 

If the fantasy depicts two consenting adults who want to dress up in school uniform then this could be an appropriate fantasy. 

It might be worth considering why this fantasy is appealing for you.  If it is because you have a sexual interest in school children, spending time in this fantasy could reinforce sexual thoughts about children or it could be something that could impact on your online use, moving you closer to searching illegal images of children online. 

A child needs to be 16 years old to consent to sexual activity and 18 to consent to sexual images of them to be shared. This law is in place to protect children as they are viewed as not psychologically, physically or socially ready for sex, and could be taken advantage of. Sexual activity with a child is illegal, even if they show a willingness or interest in sex. If you are an adult thinking about this type of behaviour it is important to know you are not alone but that to act on these thoughts would have significant impacts on the child as well has yourself.

If you fantasise about meeting each other and consenting to this activity, this is likely to be an appropriate thought.

Exercise: appropriate versus inappropriate fantasy

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Some people who have behaved illegally online may feel that as part of addressing their behaviour, they have to stop all sexual fantasies. 

But sexual fantasies themselves are not necessarily a bad thing – it’s what happens in that fantasy or who is in that fantasy that might need to be addressed. 

Exercise

Have you recently had a fantasy about a child? If you have, then without thinking about it in too much detail, work through these questions one at a time and see if these help you think about your fantasies differently.

  1. Where is this fantasy situated?
  2. What are you doing there?
  3. Who else is there? What are they doing there?

What this fantasy says about you

  1. What role does this fantasy place you in?
  2. How does this fantasy compare to the type of person you are generally?
  3. How does this fantasy compare to the type of person you want to be?
  4. How does the fantasy of the content compare to real life?

What this fantasy says about how you view others

  1. How do you treat the people in the fantasy?
  2. How do they treat you?
  3. What if the roles were switched?

What this fantasy says about your view of the world

  1. What sort of world would it be if you or other people were able to act on this fantasy?
  2. Is this really the type of world you’d like to live in?
  3. What is the likelihood of your fantasy ‘expectations’ being met and would you want them to be met?
  4. What would your close friends and family feel about this fantasy? What would they think?
  5. How would you feel if your son or your daughter acted out this fantasy with another adult?

 

Exercise: When fantasy becomes a problem

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Fantasies are a healthy and normal part of everyday life and everybody fantasises about something at one point or another.

But fantasies can become a problem when:

  • you engage in fantasies for a long period of time and increasingly often
  • you use fantasy to deal with a situation rather than resolving the problem itself
  • you would rather engage in a sexual fantasy than engage in sexual activity with your partner
  • your sexual fantasies are illegal abusive or inappropriate (explored later) IIf you can identify with the bullet points above, then your fantasies may begin to affect the things you care about, such as your family, your friends, your job and your intimate and sexual relationships.

If you can identify with the bullet points above, then your fantasies may begin to affect the things you care about, such as your family, your friends, your job and your intimate and sexual relationships.

My fantasies

A good starting point in considering if your fantasies are problematic is to look at your fantasies in more detail. Exercises 1a and 1b will help you start to do this and will help you to explore your triggers to your fantasies.

Exercise 1A: Thinking about past fantasies

Think of a fantasy that you have had, either regularly or a one-off fantasy. It can be a non-sexual or sexual fantasy. Now answer the following questions:

  1. Where were you when you were having this fantasy?
  2. Were there other people around? Were these people you know or strangers?
  3. What time of the day was it?
  4. What was your mood before you had that fantasy?
  5. Had anything happened during that day that led you to be in that particular mood?
  6. What was your mood after you had the fantasy?

Now think about other fantasies you have had and answer the same questions.

Do you see themes developing? Do you tend to have fantasies when you are in a particular mood or at a certain time of day? You may find that sexual fantasies follow slightly different themes to non-sexual fantasies. Make a note of these differences, these can be important to pay attention to as they can help develop insight and self-understanding.

Exercise 1B: Fantasy diary

Over the next week use the fantasy diary below to keep a record of your fantasies, both sexual and non-sexual. 

Using the table below, write down the time of day, your mood before you had a fantasy, the type of fantasy (sexual or non-sexual) and your mood after the fantasy. 

Module 5: Fantasy

Download and print a full page diary. 

Hopefully you should now be getting a picture of when and why you use fantasy. 

Note down:

  • the time of day
  • your mood before you had a fantasy
  • the type of fantasy (sexual or non-sexual)
  • your mood after the fantasy.

Hopefully, you should now be gaining an understanding of why you use fantasy.

Many people who have behaved illegally online feel that as part of addressing their behaviour, they have to stop all sexual fantasies.

But sexual fantasies themselves are not necessarily a bad thing – it’s what happens in that fantasy or who is in that fantasy that might need to be addressed.

Hopefully you should now be getting a picture of when and why you use fantasy.

Fantasy and Adult pornography

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The internet has a vast range of adult pornographic material on offer and it gives you the chance to explore what you like, what you don’t like and the type of person you want to see engaging in sexual activity. 

Over time, what you view is highly likely to create and develop your sexual preferences and sexual thoughts and fantasies.  The more time you spend online viewing pornography is likely to increase the amount of time you also spend thinking about sex and engaging in sexual fantasies. 

Fantasies do not automatically lead to behaviours, but they can increase your likeliness of wanting to ‘act out’ particular fantasies.  

Fantasy and illegal online sexual behaviour 

Accessing indecent images of children, or sexually communicating about or with children, can also shape your sexual fantasies.  And if you masturbate to these fantasies to the point of ejaculation, this positively reinforces the attraction, due to the pleasure involved.

Over time, the things that we think about during masturbation are likely to be associated with feelings of arousal. This means that masturbating to pictures of children or whilst engaged in sexual communication with or about a child increases the possibility of becoming aroused at the sight or thought of a child. 

Will this make me commit a contact offence?

Many people who view illegal images do so for reasons other than having a sexual interest in children. Many people tell us that though they view illegal images of children they would never act out the behaviours they are viewing in real life. 

However, if you are masturbating to a fantasy or an image of a child, this may impact on your sexual preferences and normalise this behaviour in your mind. 

The concern is that if your resolve to not hurt a child was hampered by ill health, a significant dip in your mental health, or some other loss (through relationship breakdown, bereavement, or unemployment) an opportunity to offend may be more likely to end in an inappropriate or illegal sexual behaviour towards a child.

People also rehearse things they want to do and build confidence through their fantasies. You might not be thinking about enacting your fantasies now, but over time, your confidence and urge to act on them may increase, especially if you find that you are not getting the same level of pleasure from the fantasy; you may find you want to do something to increase the buzz or excitement. 

Now, using Exercise 3 (on the next page), let’s take a look at one of your inappropriate fantasies.

 

Exercise: a fantasy management technique

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Fantasy management

So you have identified which of your sexual fantasies are inappropriate. But how do you stop having them?

For some people this will be easy, but for others it will take time, hard work, a lot of willpower and heaps of self-control. You are not alone if you feel it is too hard to control these fantasies, but you are in control of your thoughts and feelings and you can make a choice as to how much attention you choose to give to them.

Many individuals use fantasy management techniques to help stop having these harmful sexual fantasies.

Exercise 4: Use a fantasy management technique

Have a read through the techniques below. Next time you have an inappropriate sexual fantasy, try and use one of these to help you stop. The more you use these, the more you will learn what works more effectively for you. It may be that you need to rehearse them or use a combination of these to get it just right.

Escape route

Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from the situation in which we are fantasising. Get up, get out of that room, leave the house if you have to. Go anywhere that stops you from having that sexual fantasy. Being with other people will be good for you and will limit the time you spend fantasising or masturbating.

Active distraction

Do something that prevents you from thinking about a fantasy. This could be reading, watching TV, going for a walk. It could be ringing a friend or going for a drink. Anything that takes your thoughts away from that fantasy.

Urge surfing

Imagine your fantasy as being like a giant wave. It will build and build to a peak and then suddenly go the other way and decline in intensity. If you do not masturbate, eventually the urge to do so will go away. This happens with all urges, not just sexual urges; for example, if you are craving alcohol or chocolate, eventually this craving will go away.  The more you observe riding the wave and watching the urge increase and then pass without acting on it the easier it will become.

Self-care

Eating well, exercising, sleeping and relaxation; all of these contribute to a happier, healthier you. If you ensure all these are in check, you will find managing sexual fantasies much easier. Use the self-care module to help you identify self-care strategies you can use to look after yourself.

Praise your success

Do something that prevents you from thinking about a fantasy. This could be reading, watching TV, going for a walk. It could be ringing a friend or going for a drink. Anything that takes your thoughts away from that fantasy. 

 

Below are some more challenging strategies, they may be helpful.  When trying them be careful not to be too hard on yourself if they don’t work or if you find them difficult.  Some people who experience shame (or significant negative thoughts) around their sexual attraction / fantasy are not advised to practice these without a professional helping them.   

Challenging your thoughts

Be curious about why you might be thinking this way, what are the benefits for me? Or why is this scenario appealing for me? 

You could also ask about the consequences. ‘What would happen if someone walked in and could see what I was fantasising about?’ ‘I know if I keep having this fantasy, I am more likely to look at indecent images of children; what are the consequences if I was caught?’

Fantasy replacement

Change the ending or the subject of your fantasy. For example, if you are beginning to fantasise about a child you have seen in an indecent image or communicated with online, try to change the child to an adult. This might be difficult and may not be as sexually stimulating for you.  If you can change to an adult image just before climax this will have the most powerful effect.   

You could start by changing small features like hairstyle or body form and over time change the whole situation. In contrast, try a different fantasy all together which is new and exciting…. and legal! 

Fantasy blocker

Imagine someone walkingin to your fantasy and catching you. This person has to be someone who you would never want to find out, like a close friend or family member. Or maybe the police. 

 

What do I do if my sexual preference is children?

We understand that some people have no sexual interest in adults. They often report an exclusive and life-long sexual interest in pre-pubescent or pubescent children. If this is true of you, then we understand that asking you to replace a child in a fantasy with an adult may not work for you.

Rather than trying and changinge your sexual interest, your task is to learn how best to manage your sexual thoughts, feelings and fantasies. Of course, there are no easy answers but the aim is to try and reduce both the frequency of your sexual fantasies and their intensity. We hope the suggestions and advice below are helpful: 

  • Try to avoid sexual fantasies about children when masturbating. Of course, this can be difficult, especially if you are not attracted to adults. To help, try focusing your attention exclusively on the physical sensations you experience while masturbating. Experiment with different sensations e.g. use of lubricants.
  • Reduce the amount of time spent thinking or fantasising about children in a sexual way. The more time you spend having sexual fantasies about children, the more these thoughts will govern your mental and sexual life. So, the less time you spend thinking about children in a sexual way, the better.
  • Develop a busy day-to-day lifestyle with a range of activities and interests that hold your attention. The more our minds are focused on things that we find engaging and rewarding, the less time we spend thinking about sexual things. This helps people feel more in control of their sexual thinking. And, of course, it helps people feel better about their lives more generally.
  • Try and spend time with others. People tend not to day-dream, or have sexual fantasies, when they are interacting with others, for example, at work or when socialising. Their minds are otherwise occupied.
  • If you are aware that you use sexual fantasies as a way of coping with other things in your life e.g. an escape from things that are worrying you or as a way to relax, find other ways of coping with these things. This will help you reduce the frequency of your sexual fantasies.
  • Self-care is important too. If you feel OK about yourself, you are less likely to use sexual fantasies as a prop for your emotional health. Mindfulness is a technique that has been shown to improve people’s mental health and resilience.
  • Don’t beat yourself up.  For many people, it simply does not feel realistic to never have sexual fantasies about children or to end masturbating to the thought of children. Mindfulness can help people come to terms with their feelings about this. Compassion and self-acceptance can also be very helpful. Having a sexual interest in children can feel lonely and you may feel society doesn’t understand your situation.  If you need to speak with someone about this please use the helpline for support and advise.

You can use our helpline, live chat or secure message service for confidential support from our experienced advisors if you want to discuss anything covered in this module, have struggled when working through it, or want to go through the information with a practitioner to guide you. 

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Concerned about your thoughts or behaviour?

Self-help, information and support for people troubled by their sexual thoughts about children and young people.

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Taking responsibility of your sexual behaviour

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of Immediate changes to help you take control of your behaviour How you may have used justifications to allow your problematic behaviour(s) to continue

Making changes
Change can be hard and take time. It is important that you have strategies to manage your behaviour in the short term whilst you work through the modules
Minimising or excusing behaviour
If you do something that you know is wrong and does not fit with your values and beliefs such as harming a child, then people will often use excuses, justifications or minimise the impact of their behaviour
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Understanding motivations

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of problematic sexual behaviours, motivations, patterns and trends.

Motivation
Sexual behaviour is influenced by your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values and experiences; however, it is not beyond your control
Exercise 1: making your timeline
In order to understand where your problematic sexual behaviours began, it is helpful to identify what was happening in your life at that time
Exercise 2: digging deeper
To further explore and reflect on your timeline, think about how each point on your timeline made you feel
Problematic behaviour
Although sexual behaviour can be influenced by numerous factors, it is not outside of your control
Cognitive distortions
Cognitive distortions are thinking errors which we use to minimise, justify and excuse behaviours
The offence cycle
A ‘cycle’ consists of a pattern of behaviour where the end leads you back to the beginning and the whole pattern repeats itself over and over again
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Triggers and warning signs

This module will help you to explore, different types of triggers, your own triggers, potential warning signs of sexual abuse, including grooming and situational and environmental risks.

Types of triggers
‘Triggers’ are what precede (come before) your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and can cause emotional and behavioural responses
Warning signs
Warning signs are the things that alert us and other people that something is wrong or that there this a potential danger or hazard
Triggers: situational and environmental risks
Situations can provide the ingredients for a chain of unhealthy behaviours and trigger the offence cycle
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Problem of immediate gratification

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of:

  • Why immediate gratification is so powerful
  • how to manage the desire of immediate gratification
Immediate gratification
understand why you prioritised your immediate needs despite the consequences
What can you do?
One way to counter the power of instant gratification is to think about how you will feel if you do the behaviour, compared to how you feel if you don’t
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Fantasies

This module will help you explore and understand your current sexual and non-sexual fantasies, and the link between your fantasies and your online behaviour

Fantasies
In this section, when we are talking about ‘sexual fantasy’, we are referring to something that is imagined which you find sexually arousing
Appropriate versus inappropriate fantasy
So what are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections
Exercise: appropriate versus inappropriate fantasy
Have you recently had a fantasy about a child? If you have, then without thinking about it in too much detail, work through these questions one at a time and see if these help you think about your fantasies differently
Exercise: When fantasy becomes a problem
A good starting point in considering if your fantasies are problematic is to look at your fantasies in more detail.
Fantasy and Adult pornography
So what are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections
Exercise: a fantasy management technique
Many individuals use fantasy management techniques to help stop having these harmful sexual fantasies.
Visit the module
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Living with unusual sexual interests

This section is designed to help you explain terminology around unusual sexual interests (paraphilias) and learn how to lead a healthy life with these interests.

Terminology
A paraphilia involves persistent sexual arousal toward something seen as unusual or outside the norm. This can vary over time, place, and culture
Exploring your sexual interest
A person can have different sexual interests that include a wide range of preferences, but there might be one group that holds the strongest appeal
Practice self compassion
Living with a sexual interest in children has challenges
Make a promise to yourself
If you find yourself struggling with a sexual interest or preference for children, you may have encountered challenges along this journey
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