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Self help modules:

Recognising and dealing with feelings

The exercises in this module aim to help you get more in tune with your body so that you notice how it is responding in different situations.

Module chapters

Recognising and dealing with feelings
Emotions are the sensations in the body as a result of something that happens to us.
How thoughts affect feelings
Our thoughts, values and beliefs all affect how we interpret our emotions
Dealing with anger, worry and stress
The following will help you deal with some common negative emotions but can also be applied to others.
Reflection: recognising and dealing with feelings
Reflecting on what you learnt about your feelings and emotions

Recognising and dealing with feelings

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What are emotions?

Emotions are motivators. They are sensations in the body that tell us what we need and where to focus our energy- what to do. If we have learnt to ignore our emotions, or that expressing them causes more problems, we do not know what our needs are or how to act on them, so our feelings build up.  

Emotions arise from our thoughts and situations, often these thoughts are so deep-rooted we don’t even notice them. When we grow up, what we experience tells us who we are and what the world is. Our experiences create a ‘framework’ that we view our future experiences through. We understand our situation, that is we have thoughts about our situation, based on what we have learnt from past experience. If we have had difficult past experiences, our thoughts will reflect this. This means our emotions may be telling us about past distresses more than our current situation. This is why when we have difficult emotions it is important to check-in with others to get different perspectives on a situation. We may learn something new this way, which changes the way we feel about something.  

If we have had difficult past experiences, particularly when we were children and still learning about the world, taking time to reflect on those and how to understand what happened now that you are an adult can help you to have compassion for your childhood self and learn what you needed then, and now. If you think this might be the case for you, please talk to a professional.  

Starting point

Use this quiz to identify your current level of confidence.

What happens in my body?

Here are some of the physical reactions we have to situations:

diagrams-MAN

These reactions are generally preparing us for a ‘fight or flight’ response (so we could face a predator or flee to safety) which would have helped ensure our survival. Now these signs can be used to help us identify what we are feeling.

Exercise – How in-tune with your emotions are you?

Below is a worksheet which will help you to identify what happens to you physically and how this affects you. By completing this in different situations you should be able to decide what emotion you experience.

Ask others
Ask myself
What expression does my face show? What does my body feel like?
How do I say I feel? What am I thinking about?
What do I do? What do I feel like doing?
Download printable template

How does understanding my feelings link to sexual thoughts and behaviours?

People often talk about their sexual thoughts and online behaviour as being an ‘escape’ from their real-world situation. This is because the real-world felt stressful, exhausting or empty. It may be that you were not aware of how you were feeling at the time, or the feelings seemed unending and ‘unfixable’- you could see no way to meet the needs associated with them.  The online and fantasy worlds provide a distraction from our feelings, as we ‘daydream’ or scroll through irrelevant videos, messages or adverts, they provide temporary self-soothing. The addition of the use of sexual fantasy or online material serves to distract us and provide a temporary positive arousal state which is more powerful.

Developing insight into your emotions, and becoming comfortable to share them with others, are key elements in understanding what drove your thoughts and behaviour so that you can find alternative coping strategies that truly meet your needs. This will help to manage the risk that you might cause harm to children.  

How thoughts affect feelings

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How you feel can influence your thinking and behavior

Our thoughts, values and beliefs all affect how we interpret our emotions

For example, if you are starting a new job, you are likely to get butterflies in your tummy, feel shaky and start sweating. If you struggle with your self-esteem you might think this means that you are feeling nervous because you are not going to do well, and you will have to talk to new people which you find really hard. These thoughts will then heighten those emotions and increase the nerves. However, if you see these nerves as something positive you might think this is due to your excitement at who you might meet and getting to do something new. We are now going to explore how positive and negative thinking can help with managing emotions.  

This includes how you feel about yourself-(your self-esteem); how you feel about your situation and your feelings towards other people.  For example an individual who feels powerless may lose motivation and believe that there is no point in trying, as he will not succeed. He may withdraw and isolate himself. Similarly an individual who ruminates on problems and focuses on negatives is unlikely to see the positives in other people or situations and this can increase his feelings of isolation.

The effect of positive and negative thinking on emotions?

If you are unsure of negative and positive thinking (otherwise known as self-talk) then please work through our self-talk section.  

Negative thinking tends to led to negative feelings such as stress, worry, anxiety and frustration. 

Positive thinking encourages more positive feelings and behaviour.

Exercise 2 – Your negative thoughts

Start keeping a list of situations where you notice negative thoughts. 

With each of these, identify the associated feelings and behaviours. 

Here is an example: 

Situation – Saying hello to a colleague who doesn’t respond 

Thought- ‘they hate me’
Feeling – rejection
Behaviour – stop talking to them 

Then start thinking of other reasons: 

  • They didn’t hear me 
  • They were busy and preoccupied 
  • They were upset and didn’t want to talk to anyone 

Start to see if you notice any difference in your feelings once you think of alternative reasons. You will probably notice the feelings are more positive. 

Now think about your sexual thoughts and behaviour. Can you identify any feelings and negative thoughts that might contribute to sexual offending? 

An example of this might be: 

Situation: At home alone, wanting to start online dating. 

Thought – I never know what to say to women in chat rooms
Feeling – frustration/loneliness
Behaviour – chatting with children online 

Negative thinking is often triggered by thinking errors which fall into three main categories: 

  • Catastrophising – making things seem worse that they really are, getting things out of proportion 
  • Generalising – taking one occurrence and thinking it will always apply e.g. believing you will never pass your driving test because you failed the first time 
  • Negative focus – always focusing on the negative aspects of a situation rather than looking at the positives e.g. rather than be pleased about passing an exam, being upset that you did not get a higher grade. 

Spend some time reflecting on your thinking style. Note down your thoughts and some alternatives. Can you link your thoughts to any of the common thinking errors?

Dealing with anger, worry and stress

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Dealing with anger, worry and stress

The following will help you deal with some common negative emotions but can also be applied to others.

How to Manage Negative Feelings 

It is important to remember that all emotions have a purpose. We have evolved them for a reason, and none of them are bad. Sometimes, though, we can struggle with them as we have not learnt how to manage them or they are filled with other experiences so when we have an emotion it is loaded with lots of other things that have happened to us. This means we can get ‘stuck’.  

The following will help you deal with some common emotions that people can struggle with, but can also be applied to others. 

Worry tends to involve lots of thoughts that come one after another, which involve events in the future or in the past. 

Frequently, worry thoughts begin with things like “I should…” “what if… if only I had…” or “I must remember to…” 

Sometimes worrying can help make us do helpful things such as checking that we have turned off the oven but it can become a significant problem. 

If you answer “yes” to the following questions, then worrying might be a problem for you. 

  • Do you spend a lot of your time worrying?
  • Do you struggle to enjoy things as your mind is elsewhere, worrying about things? 
  • Does worrying make you feel really upset and anxious? 
  • Does worrying stop you getting a good sleep at night? 
  • Does worrying prevent you enjoying yourself and getting on with things during the day, at home or at work? 
  • Do you feel that your worrying is “out of control” or that once you start you just can’t stop? 
  • Do you feel worrying has affected your health (for example given you stomach aches, headaches, or diarrhoea)? 

Worrying about things can make you anxious. Many people suffer from anxiety without realizing what it is. When you are anxious you may notice things like:- 

  • Heart rate speeding up, sweaty skin or going pale
  • Feeling upset, irritable angry, or on edge
  • Feeling that something terrible is about to happen
  • Dry throat or mouth
  • Muscular aches and pains and headaches
  • Feeling tired, lacking energy
  • Poor digestion – stomach aches
  • Concentration problems, mind racing, sleep problems

The more anxious you get, the more you worry and the more you worry, the more anxious you become! It becomes a vicious circle, this is why it is really important to learn how to manage your emotions in a healthy way.

It is important to remember that worry and anxiety do have a function- they are there to place our focus on something important to us, so that we can meet our needs and thrive. The goal is not to never feel worry or anxiety, the goal is to understand why it is there and keep it in balance with other important needs and goals.  

What can you do about it?

Step 1 – Notice it
Notice when you are worrying or feeling anxious. If you recognise the signs of anxiety mentioned above, or you notice you are thinking thoughts like those outlined, take notice of them- don’t ignore them.

Step 2 – “Stop”!

When you notice you are worrying, be kind to yourself. Notice that this is something important to you and you want to make sure that it works out. Ask yourself, if I think about this now is it going to help? Can I fix or change it in this moment? If you can’t then let yourself put it down.  

If your worry is about something you have no control over, it is OK to let it go and enjoy the moment you are in.  

If it is something you can influence, or change, it might help if you write it down somewhere- on a piece of paper, or a reminder in your phone, so that you can give yourself permission to let go of it in this moment and return to it at a time when thinking about it might be useful- such as when you are seeing a supportive friend or family member, you have access to the things you need to fix or change it, or you are seeing a professional who can guide you through how to approach what you are worrying about.  

If you find it hard to put it down, you can find something to actively distract your mind. It is useful to have a few things that you can do that you know helps you to re-focus your mind.  Try to think/do something that is healthy, relaxing and/or enjoyable e.g. reading, watching TV, cooking, calling a friend, doing a hobby, or playing a sport. 

Step 3 – Worry Time
Think about identifying a certain time in your day when it would be okay to worry -but limit the amount of time you spend worrying – no more than ten to fifteen minutes is needed. This is your “worry time” when you can focus on what it is that is causing you to worry and try to generate some solutions. If you find yourself worrying at a time when you have other things to do (such as when you are at work or at bedtime, or while you are trying to concentrate on something else), tell yourself to stop and put off the worries until later. This is not about avoiding problems but is about putting what is worrying you into perspective and dealing with it when you are not distracted by other things.

Step 4 – Self-talk
If you find yourself worrying about the same thing over and over (for example, “I’ll start my new job and no one will like me”) then take some time to show compassion for yourself and notice why you are worrying about it. In this example, it is important that people like you, because you a good person and other people are important to you. You might also know why you are having this thought, maybe you have had a bad experience in the past when you wanted someone to like you but they did not. Notice times when you have had different experiences, when people have liked you. Write these down, and write down any positive feedback you have had from others, or positive experiences you have had, as they have appreciated a quality about you or you helped someone- that you are kind, or thoughtful, honest, or you are quiet and listen. You could even write the positive thought or statement down on a small card and carry it with you to remind yourself of it.

Step 5 – Problem Solving
This is something you can try by yourself, or with another person. A problem shared is a problem halved! If you can tell someone you trust what your problem is, they can often help you with solving or coping with it. See the module on problem solving to learn how to improve this skill.

Anger
People express anger in different ways; it can take many forms. Below are some of the ways that anger can be experienced.

Anger is an unusual emotion. It is a ‘second feeling’- it always shows itself after a first feeling like hurt, rejection, grief or confusion. Anger can be described in lots of different ways, as it can be experienced at different levels. Some of the ways we might describe anger are frustration, resentment, disappointment, annoyance, rage and irritation.  

Like all feelings, it is natural and healthy. It is there to give us energy so that we are more motivated to meet the needs of the first emotion. Have you noticed that when you feel anger your body feels more energised, tense? Anger only becomes a problem when we are afraid of it, we see it as a problem, or we don’t know what to do with that energy.  

When we have had difficult experiences in the past, and we hold unresolved anger, it can come back when a new situation is similar to those difficult experiences and we can ‘overreact’ to the situation in front of us. This is because we are trying to fix all the things that were done to us at once. We can understand this, but the people around us will not and we can hurt those we care about.  

People express anger in different ways; it can take many forms. Below are some of the ways that anger can be experienced. 

Head in the Sand
Some people find anger scary and frightening. They shy away from admitting they are angry and avoid expressing angry feelings. They try to convince themselves that they are not angry. This can be problematic as consequently they do not let go of and express their feelings which can result in a build-up of pressure, frustration and unhappiness.

Retreating to the Cave
Some people find anger too hard to deal with, and they do everything they can to avoid it. The escape into their ‘cave’ when they feel angry or when other people around them become angry. Consequently they do not learn to manage their own or other people’s anger.

Bottlers
Other people find it difficult and scary to express their angry feelings so they stuff them down deep inside. This might be because they worry about getting into trouble or saying or doing the wrong thing. Whatever the reason, bottling up angry feelings can feel like a pressure cooker or a champagne bottle in which the pressure is building.  Over time, if the angry feelings are not released they can result in an explosion.

Exploders
Some people shout and scream and blow off steam when they feel angry. They lash out physically and/or verbally. In the short term this can produce an immediate release but such outbursts of anger can have negative long term consequences for themselves and their relationships with other people.

What does healthy anger look like? 

Anger that asserts and helps us to meet our needs is healthy. What that looks like will depend on the situation. Sometimes it can be hard to work that out, and talking to someone neutral who cares about you can help you to work out what to do with it. There are two elements that healthy anger does have:  

  • The focus is on ‘I’ and what ‘I need’ so that the energy of anger is focused on expressing yourself rather than punishing them. 
  • Respect for the person/ people around you and their needs. They are not judged or ‘othered’ as people although their behaviour might be something that has upset you. 

Which category do you identify with?

If you are not sure then use the table from exercise 1 to help you tune into your feelings. The worksheet in Exercise 3 will also help you to identify things that you can do, and things that other people can help you with, that will assist you to get back to feeling calm and in control. Recognizing the warning signs that you are getting angry early on can help you to avoid expressing your anger in negative and destructive ways. 

Our bodies are designed to deal with short periods of threat. However, in the modern day we are exposed to longer term threats or stressors which results in our body releasing these hormones for longer periods of time. This can be really harmful and effect our sleep, concentration, memory and drive us to look for short term ‘fixes’ such as caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs and sex. 

How to deal with stress

  1. Reduce the amount of stress in your life, for example if your job is highly stressful then consider if there are alternatives.
  2. Change how you manage stress, for example can you delegate some tasks or learn that good enough is ok rather than striving for perfection.
  3. Look after your physical health, for example eating healthily and doing exercise even if you don’t feel like it.
  4. Learn to relax, for example making sure you have time to yourself to do healthy things you enjoy, this can be as simple as listening to music or reading a book.
  5. Be sociable, even if you feel like everything is getting too stressful and too much for you, one of the best things you can do is to meet up with your family and friends – for example, meeting up for a coffee or going for a walk. Friends and family will be able to provide you a distraction from your stress and they can help you to see the situation from a different point of view.

You can find out more about managing difficult thoughts, feelings and behaviours here.

 

Exercise – How to get back to feeling ok and in control

This worksheet will help you to identify things that you can do, and things that other people can help you with, that will assist you to get back to feeling calm and in control. Recognising the warning signs that you are getting angry early on can help you to avoid expressing your anger in negative and destructive ways. 

Things another person can help me with Things I can do on my own
  e.g. help me to problem solve  e.g. breathing exercises  

Reflection: recognising and dealing with feelings

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Reflection

  • Reminders – What shows me that something is wrong?
  • What can I do to manage negative feelings?

If you want to discuss anything covered in this module, have struggled with working through the self-help material or just want the opportunity to work through the self-help site with a practitioner to guide you then please call our Stop It Now helpline for confidential support from our trained staff.

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Wellbeing and self-care

These sections will help you learn healthy ways to communicate, express yourself and challenge negative self-talk to improve your self-esteem.

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Self-care

This module aims to help you focus on looking after yourself so that you are able to undertake any changes needed to address your thoughts and behaviour.

What is self-care?
Self-care means being mindful of our own needs to improve our own physical, mental and emotional health
Wellbeing assessment
If we are looking after our bodies, we will be able to think and feel better too
Exercise 1: setting self-care goals
Some self-care strategies are straightforward and easy to use on a daily basis, and others need more practice and attention but are hugely worthwhile
Self-care strategies
There are many strategies that can be helpful when feeling anxious, stressed discomfort, or emotional distress.
Exercise 2: using self-care strategies
Having thought about, and hopefully practiced, some of the self-care techniques, think about what you can add to your self-care plan
Useful organisations
Additional, useful organisations if you are concerned about your self-care
The importance of sleep
Most people say that good quality sleep is important to their general sense of well-being
Reflection: self-care
Self-care is an important element in your journey to understanding your risky online behaviour and moving away from it, towards a better future
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Motivation to change

Identify where you are in your readiness to make changes and take initial steps to change harmful behaviours.

The stages of change
‘Change’ means different things for different people and each person will have different goals when using this guide.
Setting goals
Think about some positive goals that will help you move towards being the person you want to be
Short term changes to your concerning thoughts and behaviour
It can also be useful to make some changes specifically connected to problematic behaviour.
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Recognising and dealing with feelings

The exercises in this module aim to help you get more in tune with your body so that you notice how it is responding in different situations.

Recognising and dealing with feelings
Emotions are the sensations in the body as a result of something that happens to us.
How thoughts affect feelings
Our thoughts, values and beliefs all affect how we interpret our emotions
Dealing with anger, worry and stress
The following will help you deal with some common negative emotions but can also be applied to others.
Reflection: recognising and dealing with feelings
Reflecting on what you learnt about your feelings and emotions
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Understanding thoughts, feelings and behaviours

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of the interaction between thoughts, feelings and behaviours so you can notice inappropriate sexual fantasies and behaviours.

The link between thoughts, feelings and behaviour
Although sexual behaviour can be influenced by numerous factors, it is not outside of your control
Exercise 1: Understanding thoughts, feelings and behaviours
You need to change the problematic thoughts and feelings which influence your behaviour
Exercise 2: Understanding thoughts, feelings and behaviours
Remember that sexual thoughts, whatever they are, don’t determine behaviour by themselves
How thoughts affect feelings
A sexual fantasy can lead to a physical response in our body and/or a bodily response can trigger a sexual fantasy
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Managing thoughts, feelings and behaviours

This module helps you to develop strategies to help you deal with difficult thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Management strategies
Strategies to manage inappropriate thoughts and behaviours
Common thinking errors
How you think about a situation can impact on your ability to successfully address thinking patterns or behaviour
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Compassionate Self-talk

The conversations you have with yourself can be destructive or beneficial. They influence how you feel about yourself and how you respond to events in your life. This module helps you recognise negative self-talk and change your inner voice.

Compassionate Self-talk
What you say to yourself in your mind is called self-talk.
Inner critic
You need to be aware of the nature of your self-talk and be determined to shift any negative thinking to positive
Reflection: Compassionate self-talk
Keep a diary for a week of any negative things you say to yourself.
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Self-esteem and assertiveness

The role self-esteem plays in helping create an offence free life.

Self-esteem
Self-esteem is how we value ourselves; it is how we perceive our value to the world and how valuable we think we are to other people
Feeling positive and healthy
It is also important to feel positive and healthy
Learn to be assertive
People with low self-esteem often struggle to be assertive; this can be because they don’t feel they deserve to be listened to
Reflection: self-esteem and assertiveness
Self-praise is an important part of improving your self-esteem, while it may feel uncomfortable at first
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Guilt and shame

This module aims to help you recognise if you’re feeling shame and ways you can overcome it so that you can build a positive and offence free life.

What are guilt and shame?
Guilt and shame are often talked about as the same emotions but there are some key differences.
Exercise: recognising shame
We can experience and recognise shame in different ways, including physical, emotional and behavioural signs.
How to deal with shame
Techniques you can use to manage your feelings of shame
Guilt and shame – reflection
Holding on to shame can affect your ability to move forward positively
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Problem solving

Problem solving – the process of working through the details of a problem to reach a solution, is a skill which promotes good decision making and encourages confidence and emotional wellbeing.

Problem solving
The process of working through the details of a problem to reach a solution
Overcoming obstacles
Sometimes overcoming obstacles involves thinking outside the box
Reflection: problem solving
Reflect on your confidence level in various areas
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