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Self help modules:

Taking control of your online behaviour

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of your level of control over your current online sexual behaviours and how to make immediate changes to start the change process.

I am genuinely grateful for the enormous amount of support and help I have received. Sometimes just to have someone prepared to listen was so gratifying. I was made aware of the victim impact, and I now do not access anything other than day to day internet needs and will never return to my past behaviour.

Module chapters

Triggers: taking control
How does feeling out of control affect your mood?
Changes
It is important that you recognise that making changes can be hard and so people can easily go back into old habits
Reflection: taking control of your online behaviour
Has this module raised any further questions for you or made you want to explore any ideas further?

Triggers: taking control

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Starting point

Using the quiz below, select how in control you have felt of your behaviours.

Now answer these questions:

What do you notice about how your control has changed from when you first started looking at sexual images of children or engaging in sexual chat until now?

How does feeling out of control affect your mood?

How in control would you like to be in a year’s time?

Changes

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It is important that you recognise that making changes can be hard and so people can easily go back into old habits. There are some practical steps that you can do to make it harder to return to old patterns of behaviour, you can do these while you work through some of the modules that help with longer term changes.

  • moving your computer to a high traffic more public area of the home to make it less likely that you will access pornography;
  • changing your employment if your current job brings you into contact with children;
  • having a photo of your partner/children next to your computer so you think of them and what you are risking by accessing sexual images of children or engaging in sexual chat.
  • having security software installed on your laptop so that you cannot access pornography;
  • having a picture of a place you want to visit or prison bars as your screensaver or wallpaper (this can act as an incentive not to offend or a reminder of the consequences if you do);
  • entrusting PC password to another person to limit access;
  • set your password to be a reminder of something you would lose if you offend on-line;
  • only use computer when others are in the room or in public places where you would not access the material;
  • only use the computer for specific purposes such as internet banking, do not allow yourself to ‘browse’;
  • unplug your wireless router at night so you have to make more effort to go on-line and therefore have more time to think about and stop what you are doing;
  • get a mobile phone without internet access;

Exercise 1: What I can do

Make a list of three things you can do to immediately reduce your risk of illegal online sexual behaviour, e.g.:

  1. Move computer
  2. Install security software
  3. Switch wifi off after 8pm

Justifying behaviour

It is important that you don’t use any excuses to allow yourself to slip back into old behaviours. Here are some common ones that we have heard – watch out for them!
  • “It was only once in a while.”
  • “I’m pretty sure it’s all legal so it’s ok.”
  • “A reward for lasting a certain period without accessing porn, so this time is ok.”
  • “I need to wean myself off rather than quit cold turkey.”
  • “I’m dealing with a lot of stress and need to unwind.”
  • “My wife (husband or partner) isn’t responsive to my sexual needs.”
  • “I deserve this.”
  • “It doesn’t hurt anyone because…”
  • “It’s just my way of relaxing.”
  • “It isn’t real because it is on the computer.”
  • “I only do this in private so it isn’t affecting anybody.”

If you identify with the statements in the list then denial could be helping you to keep doing a behaviour that you know is harmful. It is important that you challenge these thoughts if you recognise them.

Reflection: taking control of your online behaviour

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Reflection

Has this module raised any further questions for you or made you want to explore any ideas further? What steps do you plan to take to seek out this information?

If you want to discuss anything covered in this module, have struggled with working through the self-help material or just want the opportunity to work through the self-help site with a practitioner to guide you then please call the Stop It Now! Helpline for confidential support from our trained staff.

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Concerned about your online behaviour

Many people who have engaged in online sexual behaviour involving children believe that there is a ‘grey area’ between what is legal and illegal. There is not.

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Fantasy

This module will help you explore and understand your current sexual and non-sexual fantasies, and the link between your fantasies and your online behaviour

Fantasy
Fantasies can be about a range of different things and everybody will have their own reasons for engaging in a fantasy
Exercise: When fantasy becomes a problem
A good starting point in considering if your fantasies are problematic is to look at your fantasies in more detail.
Appropriate versus inappropriate fantasy
So what are appropriate and inappropriate fantasies? We split inappropriate fantasies into three sections
Exercise: Fantasy knowledge
Understanding the issues around fantasy
Exercise: Inappropriate fantasy
Fantasies do not automatically lead to behaviours, but they do increase your likeliness of wanting to ‘play out’ particular fantasies.
Exercise: a fantasy management technique
Many individuals use fantasy management techniques to help stop having these harmful sexual fantasies.
Reflection: fantasy
What have you learnt about your fantasies?
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Understanding why

If you are concerned about your worrying or illegal online sexual behaviour and want to stop this behaviour, it is important for you to learn as much as possible about yourself and what you are doing.

Understanding why
If you are concerned about your worrying or illegal online sexual behaviour and want to stop this behaviour, it is important for you to learn as much as possible about yourself and what you are doing
Exercise 1: internet use
You might already have some understanding of why you have been or are tempted to behave illegally online
Exercise 2: timeline
The second exercise is in three parts and looks back over your life to help you think about how you started behaving illegally online
Reflection: understanding why
As with the introduction to this module, using the table below, write down your current level of knowledge and understanding about your online behaviour.
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Taking control of your online behaviour

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding your level of control over your current online sexual behaviours, how you have used denial to allow your problematic behaviour to continue and how to make immediate changes to start the change process.

Triggers: taking control
How does feeling out of control affect your mood?
Changes
It is important that you recognise that making changes can be hard and so people can easily go back into old habits
Reflection: taking control of your online behaviour
Has this module raised any further questions for you or made you want to explore any ideas further?
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Online world

Sexual offending happens in the offline and online world. But some people we work with often tell us they would not have offended without the internet, apps or smartphones.

Online world
Sexual offending happens in the offline and online world.
Online behaviour
Some people we work with say they behaved in a way online that they wouldn’t have done in the offline world.
Online relationships
We all have an idea of how we come across to other people.
Exercise 3: So what is the problem with online relationships?
When we engage with people online and form friendships, it is usually around something specific, for example the sexual images of children.
Exercise 4 and 5: Online world
Some people don’t have as many offline relationships as they would like.
Reflection: online world
Think about what has prompted you to take action
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Triggers

This module will help you understand, different types of triggers and your own triggers

Triggers
A ‘trigger’ is also called a cue, prompt or call to action.
Situational and environmental risks
Some places and situations present specific risks and triggers for people, for example being alone at home late at night with internet access
Reflection: triggers
Think about the triggers you have identified.
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Adult pornography

If you are viewing legal adult pornography then this is your choice and we are not here to shame you for using it or to tell you to stop. But this self-help section will encourage you to think about whether viewing legal adult pornography is helpful or harmful for you.

Adult pornography
If you are viewing legal adult pornography then this is your choice and we are not here to shame you for using it or to tell you to stop
When viewing adult pornography becomes a problem
People who think that the way they look at adult pornography is out of their control might say it is like an addiction to alcohol or drugs
What is a trigger?
A trigger is something that affects how you are feeling, which then affects how you behave.
Drivers
Many people have problems with limiting the amount of time they spend viewing adult pornography or how often they view it
Managing your adult pornography use
If you decide it would be helpful for you to reduce your use of adult pornography, or stop looking at it completely, then here are some changes you can make to help.
Self-care and tips
Feeling negative effects when you give up pornography is normal.
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Addiction

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of how you can start to address your addictions.

Addiction
What do we mean by a compulsion or addictive behaviour?
It’s not my fault?
Wrong – the first time you engaged in illegal online sexual behaviour, you knew it was wrong, you weren’t addicted then but you went back and did it again
Dealing with addiction
It is really important to look at the motivation for your behaviour and the emotions you are avoiding.
Reflection: addiction
Reflect back on what you have learnt about addiction
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Sexual communication with children online

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of your motivation for engaging sexually with children online, how your behaviour progressed into sexual communication and how you might have justified your behaviour.

Sexual communication with children online
Sexual communication with a child is often referred to as online grooming.
The different groups
Some people tell us that their interaction with children was not only motivated by sex.
Different stages
In order to understand more about how to avoid situations which may lead to you communicating sexually with a child in the future
The cycle of online grooming
Some people find it more helpful to think of their behaviour as following a repeated pattern rather than, for example, the stages set out above
The child’s perspective
Many people do not believe they are harming children when they communicate with them sexually on the internet.
Reflection: sexual communication with children online
Understanding more about your behaviour online can help you to consider what changes you need to make to stop the behaviour and move forward positively
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Images are children

This module will help you understand the false justifications offenders use to avoid responsibility for their actions, that these images are of real children being abused and the effects of being photographed on the children in the image.

Images are children
It’s likely that you will have used self-justifications to persuade yourself that it is ok to allow yourself to view sexual images of children
Exercise 1: understanding and responding to justifications
For people to allow themselves to view sexual images of children, they will generally be using a number of self-justifications to persuade themselves that it is ok to do what they are doing
Consent
‘Consent’ means to give permission for something to happen.
Exercise 2: Empathy
‘Empathy’ means trying to understand what another person is thinking and feeling, or “putting yourself into their shoes”
The effects on the child
Psychologists have tried to look at what it means to the child to be photographed and for these photographs to be used in a sexual way
Exercise 3: effects on you
Consider how you would feel about how close you could get to the child abuse taking place
Images are children: reflection
Your level of knowledge and understanding around your awareness of the child abuse taking place in these images
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Problematic collecting

This module aims to help you to explore and gain understanding of why you collect, how it links to your offending and the relationship between collecting and some of the unsatisfactory aspects of your life.

Problematic collecting
For some people, collecting – and cataloguing, organising and all the other stuff that goes with it – can seem a big part of their offending
Exercise 2: when collecting is a problem
If you are collecting sexual images of children, then this is always a problem because it is harmful to both you and the children in the images
Exercise 3: why collect sexual images of children
Of all the things you could collect, why collect sexual images of children?
Exercise 4: justifications
A lot of people will have known that their collecting was wrong, but still continued to do it anyway
Reflection: problematic collecting
What have you learnt about yourself? What are you going to do?
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Problems of immediate gratification

This module aims to help you explore and gain understanding of why immediate gratification is so powerful and how to manage the desire of immediate gratification.

Problem of immediate gratification
understand why you prioritised your immediate needs despite the consequences
Problem of immediate gratification – reflection
Understanding the issues around fantasy
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